POOP

STORY ONE

I realize that I’ve not painted India to be some sort of “Heaven on Earth” and I certainly wouldn’t claim it to be.  But maybe it’s exactly what we’ve been looking for, someplace so wildly different to what we’ve become accustom it’s shocking; like a defibrillator for the mind it’s making us think!!

Back to the interview!

“What are a few of the most major differences between India and home?” you ask.

Let me think for a few moments…

First I would say the most striking visual difference would be the manner in which trash is dealt with in India.  Now it is not if this is the first country outside the US and Australia that we’ve been to, like we’ve never seen a bit of rubbish in the street.  India is different, and I’m sure it just simply comes down to the sheer number of people in this country and the amount of trash this sized population creates.  But so far as we’ve seen there is rubbish just about everywhere you go.  Lining both sides of every road we have traveled, around every home, clogging every river, water way, irrigation channel, and drainage ditch, discarded on every beach, palm plantation, rice paddy and sand dune, ceremoniously placed on every temple, church and holy place, I’d be willing to bet that the number of places in India where you can’t spot at least a few bits of rubbish are exponentially approaching zero. 

Don’t get me wrong here, the defibrillators got juice and is keeping our minds open.  I certainly don’t think the way in which we deal with rubbish at home is any better, it is most certainly worse for the environment overall, burning fossil fuels to lug it way to a far off landfill so that it is out of sight, out of mind.  Maybe chucking it on the ground is a better way to deal with it; serving as a poignant reminder as to the environmental disaster plastic bags are creating.  Plus plastic does break down considerably faster when exposed to UV rays which ours is not buried far below the earths surface. 

Let me tell you littering is quite the bizarre feeling.  Not that I’ve taken it up as a new favorite past time but last shop we went to after loading up on water we had an empty water jug.  I went to return it to the shop keeper, as they usually take them back for recycling, but this guy just shrugged and mimed chucking it into the street.  ‘Emm’, I thought, ‘don’t know if I could do that.’  But then he closed in on me and quite literally forced me to.  I knew for certain with in 30 seconds the next homeless person would pick it up but the sensation was still very foreign, doing something you’ve always thought to be wrong.  I dare you to try it, chuck a bottle in your front yard, even if you pick it up later in the day, see if you can get yourself to do it. 

Secondly, I’d say, the next major difference between home and India is the method in which human excrement is dealt with.  It’s another eye opener as to how damn lucky we are to have all that we do, including the ability to simply walk into a room in our house, shut the door, poop, flush, wash, walk away with out even bothering to consider what happens next.  Again, I’m not saying our system is superior, most likely it isn’t, burning coal to generate electric power so that a sewage plant can process our probably unprocessable pesticide, herbicide, growth enhanced preservative filled excrement where the liquids can then be dumped into the rivers and the solids can be carted off in another fossil fuel fired beast; doesn’t’ sound too sustainable to me.

Here in India some people are lucky enough to be able to ‘walk away’ but not many.  As with throwing rubbish you can piss and shit anywhere you like.  All the streets reek of urine and if you open your eyes there are people squatting to poop everywhere; on the edge of the streets, in the middle of the streets, in rice paddies, on the beaches, along the peers. Human feces abound. 

Just an hour ago we thought we’d go for a stroll along the nearby beaches we can see from our 6^th story window.  Cruising along we noticed all the houses faced inland, ‘what on earth’ we thought, ‘who would build a house on the beach and have it facing the wrong way.  Then our noses gave it away, we were quite literally on a self guided tour of the local poo farm.  The sand and rocks were covered in human droppings.  We even witnessed a few poo’s being born. 

So what are you waiting for, drop what you are doing, grab your bike, jump on the next plane and come join us for HOLLY SHIT INDIA!!!

Love Sir Mantis and Princess Possum!!!

You know what, I’ve gotten way behind in my story sending so on the poo note I’ll type another.

STORY TWO

CONTENT WARNING!!!  THIS STORY CONTAINS RUDE AND CHILDISHLY INNAPROPRIATE MATERIAL.  The author used to have two separate email lists, one for everyone and one for those he felt where still, as he himself is, immature enough to find 5^th grade humor still funny.  Now in the name of simplicity there is only one email list so if you’d prefer not to start your day reading about more poop please don’t’ continue any further.  Thank you!!

The forth coming may not be an affliction suffered by all cycle tourists in India but it is by Mantis and Possum.  Now, week after week, in an attempt to beat the heat, we jump out of bed at 5:30am; lather with sun block, loosen the Achilles with arnica and a special wand (thanks Ben), shove our gear into our panty-ears and then, fingers crossed, try to poo…but when your body is accustom to getting up at 7am who needs to make a movement at 5:30am.  Our bodies still think they should be asleep.

Here you’d first be thinking; Mantis you are so freaking rude, who writes a tale about his own pooping habits and secondly you’d be thinking, ‘what does it matter Mantis, just pedal for a few hours and then poo when you feel nature calling your name.  Here in lies the rub; whether purely mental, (other then squatting out in the open, which would result in a tightly packed circle of teenage Indian boys intent on playing the Three Question Game, our mind knows there will not be a satisfactory chance to poo until we reach the next hotel at the very end of the day) or purely physical, (something to do with the hunched over riding position pinching our bowels) or a bit of both.  While on the road we never seem to ‘feel the need.’ 

“Why not just poo in the evening?’ you ask.  Good question!  Maybe the bowels are still bent, maybe it has something to do with the curry (though typically chowing down on spicy curry three meals a day is supposed to ‘make it flow’ not ‘stop the go.’)  But again it just doesn’t happen. 

Since writing the story about the bare handed man removing poo out of the cows butt we’ve been informed he way probably de-constipating the poor animal.  Maybe we should visit a local farmer, “I don’t think so!”

Alas, we have recently uncovered the conceivably long longs art of forcing a ‘Morning Movement.’

Don’t lie…your interested!

Believe it or not…Star Jumps are the answer (that is Jumping Jax for you Americans out there)

Maybe it jump starts the system, maybe it releases the pinch, or maybe it is completely in the mind but; 5:30am, climb out of bed, do 50 star jumps and you’re GOOD TO GO!

Making another HOLLY SHIT day in India a little less, or, I guess in a way, a little more shitty!

Love Your 5^th grade Mantis and Possum!!